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Homer:Hey, I've got a question for you. Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it?

Ned:Well sure of course, he could, but then again... wow as melon scratchers go, that's a honey doodle.

Homer:Now you know what I've been going through.

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Lisa:We were playing four square, and I called no double taps, and Ralph double tapped, and I said "you're out" and he says ::imitating Ralph:: "I can do a somersault!" which has nothing to do with anything!

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Homer:Canada? Why should we leave America to visit America Junior?

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Nelson:Someone snuck in and took our presents! :gasp: Do you think it was papa!?

Mrs. Muntz:I wouldn't put it past him. He stole my gold tooth the night he left.

Nelson:He didn't leave. He went to the store! And when he comes back I'll wave those Pop Tarts right in your face!

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Ned:I haven't felt this good since we stole the 2000 election.

Homer:Hey don't blame me, I voted for the green M&M.

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Carl:This candy is subpar. Any religion that embraces carob is not for Carl Carlson.

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Apu:I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service.

Homer:You're selling what, now?

Apu:I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment.

Homer:You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos.

Apu:He's got me there.

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Bart Simpson (spelling "Impervious" in a spelling B):I...M...P

Nelson:Bart is pee!

Ralph Wiggum:I made Bart in my pants!

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Fry:My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope?

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Professor Farnsworth:Everyone's always in favour of saving Hitler's brain. But when you put it in the body of a great white shark, ooohh! Suddenly you've gone too far!

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Zoidberg:Friends! Help! A guinea pig tricked me!

~~~~~

Stewie:Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.

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Peter:If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?

Quagmire:Taylor Hanson.

Joe Swanson:Taylor Hanson is a guy.

Quagmire:[Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."

Peter:No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.

Quagmire:What? That's insane. That's impossible.
[Pause]
Oh god. Oh my god. I've got all these magazines. Oh god.

~~~~~

Quagmire:Hey there Gorgeous, how old are you?

Connie:16.

Quagmire:18?

Connie:Mom!

Quagmire:I like where this is goin'!

~~~~~

Peter:Lois, I can't find my favorite pair of underwear.

Lois:Which one? The one where you ripped hole in it from when you got stuck in that airplane bathroom from when you got the trots?

Peter:No, I'm looking for the pair from when I had to hold it in because it was that extra long Palm Sunday service and I thought blowing gas would offend God so I let it rip in the vestibule after service?

Lois:Top drawer.

~~~~~

Brian:Oh, please, Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs.

Meg & Peter:*gasp*

Brian:Too soon?


~~~~~

Dr. Venture: Weak, shmeak! Hank, we're here for business, not for fun.

Dean: But, pop-

Hank: What are you, on the rag?

Dr. Venture: It's impossible for me to be "on the rag", I'm a- I can't believe I'm even arguing about this with you!

~~~~~

Brock: What are you doing Hank?

Hank: Nothing

Brock: Your present's not in there.

Hank: Whaddya mean? I was just looking for the ... Christmas videos! Oh, here they are. Miracle on 69th Street, Jingle Balls, Frothy the Blowman, Rudolph the Red...

Brock: Okay, Hank. Listen, I need help putting up the lights, okay?

Hank: Like holding a staple gun is helping. What were those elves doing to that lady?

Brock: They're dwarves Hank.

[Hank walks towards door. Notices Baby Jesus figurine out on desk]

Hank: Hey, Baby Jesus is out of the manger

Brock: [Looking at his fly] Huh?

~~~~~

Hank: I am the Bat!

Dr. Venture: Yes, yes. You're The Bat! And The Bat is the reason why we didn't take Best Group Costume... again! Last year, it was Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion, and The Bat! Oh, and how about the time we were the hard-rocking quartet of Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Ace Frehley, and The Bat?!?

Hank: The night is mine!

~~~~~

[The Monarch wakes up on a bed, confused. He's rocking back and forth and hears a zipper unzip]

The Monarch: Ah. Hey. Hey, what the f...? Are you raping me?!

King Gorilla: No.

The Monarch: Oh, go..

King Gorilla: I was gonna.

The Monarch: Gonna? What the fuck, King?

King Gorilla: I couldn't get it up.

The Monarch [While King Gorilla is talking]: Ahhh! Lalalalalalalalala

King Gorilla: You're built too much like a girl. I couldn't get into it.

The Monarch: Wait. Wait a... What? This isn't even my cell! What'd ya take me to your place?

King Gorilla: Well, I got porn here. It helps.

The Monarch [leaving the cell]: Ahhh! Lalalalalalalala

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A number of my icons were made by mediocrechick specifically the Simpsons, Family Guy, Shaun of the Dead, and Psych

The lovely Ianto Animated mood theme was made by cowboyhd