Shakira and depression. Mmmm...tasty.
Oct. 21st, 2001 11:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
visionshadows
okay. i'm really in love with Shakira right now. for some reason Whenever, Wherever has become my new favourite song at the moment. i just really, really love it.
this is going to get heavily introspective at this point so disregard if you wish, i understand. i'll even make it easy and make it into a cut away so you don't have to read what's going on in my mind at the moment besides the whole Shakira thing. oh and big hugs to Mike who's got the flu. ::::hugs::::
i'm really seriously depressed right now and i can't really figure out what to do to get myself out of this. i feel entirely worthless and like my life is just falling apart around me when really it's not. i'm just having abandonment issues, mainly my abandonment of myself.
i have no money. i have no job. my bills that are due in a few weeks will completely wipe out my bank account. i need to just bite the bullet and ask my mom to loan me $100 so i can pay my bills this month. i need to figure out why my paycheck from drexel isn't happening. harriet is one of the toughest people to get in touch with. i need that money so badly at this point i'm ready to cry.
last night i was really bad. i mean bad to the point where at 2:30 in the morning after crying in my room for an hour i went downstairs carrying a stuffed animal and just told my mom everything. i cried the whole time as i layed out the fact that i'm horribly unhappy living at home, which she already knew without me telling her. i don't like school at all. i'm not even sure that i want to go to school in the winter. i don't know what i want to do besides curl up in my bed and cry. i told her that i made the wrong choice three years ago when i decided that i wasn't going to get the nuclear medicine degree and instead go for the actual bio degree instead of getting myself into the work world and making myself happy. she told me that if i really felt that way i could go back and do that now. which made me cry because i would be ending up where i started again and i would have spent two years wasting approximately $50,000 at drexel and they would be okay with it because they only want me to be happy.
stuff like that makes me feel entirely horrible and guilty. because i'm lucky as can be because i've got parents who love me to death and will do anything to help me be happy. but i just take advantage of them repeatedly and i feel like i'm just using them the majority of the time and i feel like it's something i need to break myself out of. i need to break myself out of this rut i am in at the moment because it's something that's just killing me.
the last time i lived at home for an extended period of time i had a really close-knit group of friends and i didn't feel so alone. i have my friends still but something is keeping me from going to them when i need them. i feel horrible because i know that if i call up karen and tell her that i need her right then she'll be there for me and she'll hug me and tell me it'll be okay because she's great like that. i can't do that for her right now. i try my best but i feel like i'm drowning in my own life and everything i hear is making me feel like i'm being pushed under further and further. i have midterms this week and instead of preparing for them i've spent the whole time writing, just letting myself fall into a story that's making me way too happy right now because there's just something so real and so original about it. it's nothing new to the rest of the world but for some reason to me it's like a little light that's shining when everything else is horribly dark. i can't make myself stop writing to do work anymore and really, i don't care and that's the worst part of it. i don't care if i fail my midterms this week. if i could withdraw from school now i would but i can't because i would end up paying for the rest of the semester anyway so i just have to struggle through it.
i'm pinning hopes of happiness on someone that i don't have right now and all i have from this person is vague promises of future happiness. i just know that when i'm with this person, i feel a sense of happiness that isn't there at any other time. i feel like the darkness i'm trapped in is being lifted even if briefly. i keep thinking about the day when i can actually see this person and hug them and just know that they're really there with me and that's how it's supposed to be. it's not healthy at all to pin my hopes on a dream that very well might not come true. last night at 2 am i wanted a hug so badly i could feel their arms around me, the warmth i remember from the past holding me close and safe. it scares me that i want this so badly when all that's happened in the past with this person is me ending up hurt. right now though, i would take that hurt if i knew there was happiness for a little bit.
i'm that desperate right now.
i have to go now.
this is going to get heavily introspective at this point so disregard if you wish, i understand. i'll even make it easy and make it into a cut away so you don't have to read what's going on in my mind at the moment besides the whole Shakira thing. oh and big hugs to Mike who's got the flu. ::::hugs::::
i'm really seriously depressed right now and i can't really figure out what to do to get myself out of this. i feel entirely worthless and like my life is just falling apart around me when really it's not. i'm just having abandonment issues, mainly my abandonment of myself.
i have no money. i have no job. my bills that are due in a few weeks will completely wipe out my bank account. i need to just bite the bullet and ask my mom to loan me $100 so i can pay my bills this month. i need to figure out why my paycheck from drexel isn't happening. harriet is one of the toughest people to get in touch with. i need that money so badly at this point i'm ready to cry.
last night i was really bad. i mean bad to the point where at 2:30 in the morning after crying in my room for an hour i went downstairs carrying a stuffed animal and just told my mom everything. i cried the whole time as i layed out the fact that i'm horribly unhappy living at home, which she already knew without me telling her. i don't like school at all. i'm not even sure that i want to go to school in the winter. i don't know what i want to do besides curl up in my bed and cry. i told her that i made the wrong choice three years ago when i decided that i wasn't going to get the nuclear medicine degree and instead go for the actual bio degree instead of getting myself into the work world and making myself happy. she told me that if i really felt that way i could go back and do that now. which made me cry because i would be ending up where i started again and i would have spent two years wasting approximately $50,000 at drexel and they would be okay with it because they only want me to be happy.
stuff like that makes me feel entirely horrible and guilty. because i'm lucky as can be because i've got parents who love me to death and will do anything to help me be happy. but i just take advantage of them repeatedly and i feel like i'm just using them the majority of the time and i feel like it's something i need to break myself out of. i need to break myself out of this rut i am in at the moment because it's something that's just killing me.
the last time i lived at home for an extended period of time i had a really close-knit group of friends and i didn't feel so alone. i have my friends still but something is keeping me from going to them when i need them. i feel horrible because i know that if i call up karen and tell her that i need her right then she'll be there for me and she'll hug me and tell me it'll be okay because she's great like that. i can't do that for her right now. i try my best but i feel like i'm drowning in my own life and everything i hear is making me feel like i'm being pushed under further and further. i have midterms this week and instead of preparing for them i've spent the whole time writing, just letting myself fall into a story that's making me way too happy right now because there's just something so real and so original about it. it's nothing new to the rest of the world but for some reason to me it's like a little light that's shining when everything else is horribly dark. i can't make myself stop writing to do work anymore and really, i don't care and that's the worst part of it. i don't care if i fail my midterms this week. if i could withdraw from school now i would but i can't because i would end up paying for the rest of the semester anyway so i just have to struggle through it.
i'm pinning hopes of happiness on someone that i don't have right now and all i have from this person is vague promises of future happiness. i just know that when i'm with this person, i feel a sense of happiness that isn't there at any other time. i feel like the darkness i'm trapped in is being lifted even if briefly. i keep thinking about the day when i can actually see this person and hug them and just know that they're really there with me and that's how it's supposed to be. it's not healthy at all to pin my hopes on a dream that very well might not come true. last night at 2 am i wanted a hug so badly i could feel their arms around me, the warmth i remember from the past holding me close and safe. it scares me that i want this so badly when all that's happened in the past with this person is me ending up hurt. right now though, i would take that hurt if i knew there was happiness for a little bit.
i'm that desperate right now.
i have to go now.