warning...venting ahead

i'm going to vent a lot in this entry and curse a lot so skip past this if you want....

***

i am now officially on probation. if i don't complete the probation assignment i'll get a failed work term on my transcript. i got fucking grilled for what went wrong because my former employer didn't give any details, which is what they said that they would do. and i thank them for that. it meant i could pick the least serious offense and work off that. so i did. and i still got fucking raked over the coals because i'm a representative of drexel and i shouldn't be behaving in the way i behaved. no fucking way. really? i had no idea. jesus fuck, people. i'm aware i screwed up. just leave me alone and let me get back to my fucked up life. they gave me a probation assignment because i'm not staying at drexel past this term. a fucking assignment. i have to write a paper for them basically. i know this is getting off easy and i should be thanking someone for this because probation doesn't go on my transcript if i complete the assignment. i am not sure how i'm going to do it without venting my frustrations about drexel in it. i honestly don't care if i don't get accepted to rowan for the winter. i'm not coming back to drexel. i'm not taking this shit anymore from them. i'll just go back to GCC or CCC for a term and take all the stupid entry level courses i never took the first time around like philosophy and political science and all that shit. i just can' t take this anymore. this is NOT how a school should treat their students. i'm sick of being a fucking customer. i'm not a customer, i'm a student. stop running your college like a business and start running it as a college again. the bottom line is not how much money the school makes, it's the quality of the education the students get and their satisfaction with the school. honestly, i know very few graduates who would recommend drexel to anyone. this place just takes your money and treats you like shit. yes, i know that's pretty much standard for most colleges in the US but it fucking sucks. there's a reason i'm on my third school and looking at my fourth. i know i need my fucking degree. i know that. i'm not an idiot. i just can't deal with people that think jerking you around is part of the college experience. i didn't even know there were human beings in the drexel administration. i thought the school was the automated voice on the phone. and let me tell you. that voice is more helpful then the people. at least it doesn't talk back when you start yelling at it.

::deep breath::

i have no money. i have no job. i have no job prospects. i have a school that seems to think i need to be punished more then i already am. i have no health insurance still because yet again, the drexel shaft is coming into play there. i have a migrane. i have to deal with living at home and being treated like i'm five. i have to get away...

i just have to get away...

i really just am sick of my life and i need to get away from all of it for a few days. i need to get away from the computer and start living again somehow. i need to stop burying myself in this fandom in a pathetic attempt to forget about my own life. this is not the 'i'm blaming boybands for my shitty life' speech. this is the 'i know that i'm using the fandom as a shield from real life' speech. i need to stop. i need to start spending time in the real world. i need to write other stuff. i need to stop using the pretty boys as an excuse for why i'm not doing anything right now. i need something real and solid and concrete in my life at the moment.

i feel tired and i feel alone and i feel defeated.

so this is what it feels like to be a failure...

warning...venting ahead

i'm going to vent a lot in this entry and curse a lot so skip past this if you want....

***

i am now officially on probation. if i don't complete the probation assignment i'll get a failed work term on my transcript. i got fucking grilled for what went wrong because my former employer didn't give any details, which is what they said that they would do. and i thank them for that. it meant i could pick the least serious offense and work off that. so i did. and i still got fucking raked over the coals because i'm a representative of drexel and i shouldn't be behaving in the way i behaved. no fucking way. really? i had no idea. jesus fuck, people. i'm aware i screwed up. just leave me alone and let me get back to my fucked up life. they gave me a probation assignment because i'm not staying at drexel past this term. a fucking assignment. i have to write a paper for them basically. i know this is getting off easy and i should be thanking someone for this because probation doesn't go on my transcript if i complete the assignment. i am not sure how i'm going to do it without venting my frustrations about drexel in it. i honestly don't care if i don't get accepted to rowan for the winter. i'm not coming back to drexel. i'm not taking this shit anymore from them. i'll just go back to GCC or CCC for a term and take all the stupid entry level courses i never took the first time around like philosophy and political science and all that shit. i just can' t take this anymore. this is NOT how a school should treat their students. i'm sick of being a fucking customer. i'm not a customer, i'm a student. stop running your college like a business and start running it as a college again. the bottom line is not how much money the school makes, it's the quality of the education the students get and their satisfaction with the school. honestly, i know very few graduates who would recommend drexel to anyone. this place just takes your money and treats you like shit. yes, i know that's pretty much standard for most colleges in the US but it fucking sucks. there's a reason i'm on my third school and looking at my fourth. i know i need my fucking degree. i know that. i'm not an idiot. i just can't deal with people that think jerking you around is part of the college experience. i didn't even know there were human beings in the drexel administration. i thought the school was the automated voice on the phone. and let me tell you. that voice is more helpful then the people. at least it doesn't talk back when you start yelling at it.

::deep breath::

i have no money. i have no job. i have no job prospects. i have a school that seems to think i need to be punished more then i already am. i have no health insurance still because yet again, the drexel shaft is coming into play there. i have a migrane. i have to deal with living at home and being treated like i'm five. i have to get away...

i just have to get away...

i really just am sick of my life and i need to get away from all of it for a few days. i need to get away from the computer and start living again somehow. i need to stop burying myself in this fandom in a pathetic attempt to forget about my own life. this is not the 'i'm blaming boybands for my shitty life' speech. this is the 'i know that i'm using the fandom as a shield from real life' speech. i need to stop. i need to start spending time in the real world. i need to write other stuff. i need to stop using the pretty boys as an excuse for why i'm not doing anything right now. i need something real and solid and concrete in my life at the moment.

i feel tired and i feel alone and i feel defeated.

so this is what it feels like to be a failure...

anger management issues

drexel can suck my ass.

time to go to a probation hearing to find out whether i get any credit for the 4+ months i worked or if they all go down the crapper because i was fired. it's not enough that i've already been embarrassed beyond belief by my former employer, i get to do it with my (hopefully) soon to be former school as well. please, kick me while i'm down. it makes me feel good.

fuckers.

anger management issues

drexel can suck my ass.

time to go to a probation hearing to find out whether i get any credit for the 4+ months i worked or if they all go down the crapper because i was fired. it's not enough that i've already been embarrassed beyond belief by my former employer, i get to do it with my (hopefully) soon to be former school as well. please, kick me while i'm down. it makes me feel good.

fuckers.

(no subject)

i'm taking myself to the movies. i've decided that i need to get out of the house and i need to laugh so i'm packing myself up and treating myself to a movie. complete with goobers and a super expensive cup of coffee. here's to spending money i don't have. ::cheers::

also, listening to angry music and singing along is cathartic. though, i think the dog got sick of me singing in her face. i think the fact i was singing mechanical animals made it worse. she is SO not a manson fan...

oh well...he's what i need right now

(no subject)

i'm taking myself to the movies. i've decided that i need to get out of the house and i need to laugh so i'm packing myself up and treating myself to a movie. complete with goobers and a super expensive cup of coffee. here's to spending money i don't have. ::cheers::

also, listening to angry music and singing along is cathartic. though, i think the dog got sick of me singing in her face. i think the fact i was singing mechanical animals made it worse. she is SO not a manson fan...

oh well...he's what i need right now

embracing my patheticness

i had a revelation at the gym tonight.

don't let the patheticness hold me back. embrace it. understand that my life is crappy at the moment but it will get better and i just need to roll with the flow.

i am going to be okay.

and i think one of the best decisions i made since losing my job was agreeing to join the gym with karen. i feel better when i go and i like it. it's not like i'm really doing heavy workouts or even doing anything that's really going to help me lose weight. it just makes me feel better at this point. i did about 2 miles on the bike and another mile on the treadmile tonight. some arm presses, leg curls, and leg presses. i basically do what i want to do. i sweated a hell of a lot and got to That Girl on the import release of Celebrity. have discovered that CD is GOLD to work out to as long as skip Gone and Someone Like You. those two KILL the workout buzz you get going on.

so the day started out eh. got shitty. got better. and now it's looking okay. i'm going to go shower and do some laundry and then maybe write some of the lamblove sex romp. cause i'm in the mood for something happy now. :)


oh. and karen. we are SO going drinking in the woods tomorrow night. you call Chris. i'll get the 40s

embracing my patheticness

i had a revelation at the gym tonight.

don't let the patheticness hold me back. embrace it. understand that my life is crappy at the moment but it will get better and i just need to roll with the flow.

i am going to be okay.

and i think one of the best decisions i made since losing my job was agreeing to join the gym with karen. i feel better when i go and i like it. it's not like i'm really doing heavy workouts or even doing anything that's really going to help me lose weight. it just makes me feel better at this point. i did about 2 miles on the bike and another mile on the treadmile tonight. some arm presses, leg curls, and leg presses. i basically do what i want to do. i sweated a hell of a lot and got to That Girl on the import release of Celebrity. have discovered that CD is GOLD to work out to as long as skip Gone and Someone Like You. those two KILL the workout buzz you get going on.

so the day started out eh. got shitty. got better. and now it's looking okay. i'm going to go shower and do some laundry and then maybe write some of the lamblove sex romp. cause i'm in the mood for something happy now. :)


oh. and karen. we are SO going drinking in the woods tomorrow night. you call Chris. i'll get the 40s

d'oh

went to go listen to Black and Blue cause i haven't listened to it for awhile.

remembered why: that's the cd i left in Florida.

d'oh

d'oh

went to go listen to Black and Blue cause i haven't listened to it for awhile.

remembered why: that's the cd i left in Florida.

d'oh

(no subject)

lois is my hero and dayse needs to come home soon. that is all,

(no subject)

lois is my hero and dayse needs to come home soon. that is all,