Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.

[visionshadows]

I used to write a lot. Long, detailed, plotty yet character driven pieces that made me feel like I had done something worthwhile. I wanted to write these fics. I wanted those characters to take their place in my mind and stay there until their stories had been told. Last night I was lying in bed trying to figure out where I had strayed from that path to bring me to the place where I am now - a place where the very idea of putting fingers to keys and creating stories seems like too much of a bother.

It happened sometime after Human Behaviour and before In Between Love. That's a two year span of time where I tried to force myself to write stories that had meaning and obtuse ways of saying the same thing I had been saying in past stories without having to try. I blame myself. But, and this is going to sound very mean, but I also blame the people that showed up in the fandom during that time and wrote stories that said what I had been saying but in more literary ways. I stopped thinking that what I was writing was enough and started trying to emulate those new writers.

I wrote some good stories in popslash before they came around and I wrote some good stories afterwards. However, I have not had a fun time writing since I wrote Human Behaviour. I finished that story during the summer of 2001. That's a horrifying thing for me to think about.

I count the time from HB to IBL even though stories were posted post-IBL. But IBL was the last story I wrote for me. Everything after that, including I'm With You in Rockland and The Motionless World of Time, were written for the fandom. The characters were mine, but the plots were what the fandom wanted, what the fandom saw as the Topic of the Time. Those stories were popular and IBL was not, so I learned that writing for me was not what the fandom wanted. So I stopped. And now I find myself here.

I am two fandoms removed from popslash now, but still unable to write a story for myself. I give myself bits of a story here and there, but I can't say I've written fic for myself with the possible exception of Mrs. Brown's Washing, which like IBL, was recieved with silence. I don't want to write in metaphors and twisted language when all I want to say is Jack kissed Daniel or Snape sneered at Harry. I want to tell a story that means something without trying to make it about layers and glimpses of the truth. I want to tell a story that means something but doesn't mean too much.

I want it to be about me again.

So I find myself back at the beginning, writing a dialogue and character-driven fic without layers or deep meaning. I find myself writing popslash again.

The real people are the easiest to write in the end.

Comments

[between-names.livejournal.com]

No shit? TrickC?

Login to the site is still the same :) I can't wait to read it!

For the record, all the metaphors and twisted language? Overrated. Tell me a good story and make me feel something and I'll love ya' forever. :D

[visionshadows.livejournal.com]

Yeah, TrickC. AU TrickC at that which, in the end, is what makes my little heart happy. I'm going to need a beta in the next few weeks if you think you're going to be up for it. I have a deadline for when this story needs to be done, so I can pretty much guarentee it would be finished before say ... November 29th.

I want to tell a good story. That's why I'm not writing the way I've been writing for the past two years. I'm sick of having to fight for the story instead of enjoying it. This used to be my fun me-time. Now it's not anymore and I don't like that. I want my me-time. :)

[between-names.livejournal.com]

I'll see how well I'm typing by then. I'll definitely give it a read, but I might need to get on the phone to talk through a beta if I'm not typing well (carpal tunnel surgery on the 4th. I don't know how much recreational typing I'll be up to since I'll have to be doing it at work all day by then).

But eeeeeeeee! So excited :D

[visionshadows.livejournal.com]

Yeah, like I said, if you're up for it. :) I knew the surgery was coming up so I don't want to pressure you there. I'm good with a phone call though so that would rock. You're always a wonderful beta. :)

[hugs]

[between-names.livejournal.com]

::Hugsback:: :D

[rhyssj.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're writing popslash again, man! Human Behaviour remains a favourite of mine, especially now that lambs has the ability to bring me to my knees with its power.

I know the time period of popslash you're talking about, and you're definitely not alone in feeling the way you do. I tried, a bit, to go deeper into the so-called "literary" ... but then I realised, I didn't particularly like reading stories that are so weighted down with metaphors and twisted language, so why would I try to write them? Except, of course, being taken seriously as a writer, which would be nice, but I eventually gave up and went back to writing what I loved to write, the character-driven melodrama where it's more about the guys loving each other than the bones of the story, which I never notice anyway. I just want Chris and Lance to make out like fiends, or Chris and Joey to have crazy sex, or Justin and Lance to shower naked together. a lot. " ".

More power to you, man. I look forward to this story so much!

[visionshadows.livejournal.com]

Thanks! It's actually a birthday fic for someone who doesn't know they're getting birthday fic, so I'm hoping it turns out the way I want it too. Lots of melodrama and a happy ending. That's what it's all about. :)

When I actually re-read in popslash (which is rare these days), I read your stuff because it is melodramatic and it's schmoopy at times and it's just about the guys being guys. That's what I loved about popslash and that's what I want to read when it comes down to it. I fell out of love with popslash because it became so hard for me to become enamoured with stuff being written in the fandom for so long. But I'm not really in love with any fandom anymore so I'm searching for what I lost and that's the fun of popslash.

Here's to hoping it sticks around for a bit so I can smile for a bit about fandom. :)

[ex_halo669]

yay for trickc!

I'm thrilled :)

[visionshadows.livejournal.com]

Hehe. Thanks. :) It's fun to be writing it again.

[ghettogreta.livejournal.com]

Wow, you could have just opened my brain and wrote what I was thinking with this. I often look at some of my "older" things and think that I'll never write stuff like that again. And I want to sit down and write, but I have no desire to because of what the fandom has turned into. I read some of the stuff now that's new and I just think it's SO NOT up to the caliber of stuff that was around when I first started. And yeah, that's pre-Puppies in a Box, I'm thinking. Because while that stuff was alright, it's not what got ME into nsync slash, and that's the stuff I miss. (sigh. Escape and Choices. *g*)

But I'd love to see you get back into popslash. Who knows? Maybe it could be a resurgance of what we knew and loved?

[visionshadows.livejournal.com]

I just want it to be fun again. This is a hobby, you know. Hobbies are supposed to be fun. I don't want to feel obligated to write stuff that I don't want to write anymore.

I'd love it if you wrote again too. I've always liked the way you write and the way you make the characters your own. College Life was actually one of the stories I used as an example when I was talking to dayse about the stories that came before. The stories I still remember three years later. :)

[tigs.livejournal.com]

Pop again, huh? And TrickC? Ooh. :)

There's a whole lot I want to say about the above, but it pretty much boils down to me saying, I so feel where you're coming from for most of it, word, and I think I have a whole lot of the same feelings towards MON as you do towards HB.

It *was* fun back then, wasn't it?

[visionshadows.livejournal.com]

It was lots of fun back then. Not so much these days. Hopefully it will be fun again. :)

*sighs* I remember when you were writing MON and I was writing HB and both of us were so excited about what we were writing. Those were the days.

[mickeym.livejournal.com]

Oh, Rachel.

I'm not sure it's possible for me to be any happier than I am right now. You cannot know. You just can't. *hugs you tight*

I totally understand what you're saying about the writing for you, versus writing for fandom. The stuff I do for me, because I want to write it, is much livelier, more...closer to my heart, I guess. The other stuff just sort of sits there and doesn't go anywhere.

If you need a beta for the story, I'd be happy to lend my services :)

[visionshadows.livejournal.com]

[hugs tightly]

Thanks. I'm glad I could put a smile on your face. I feel happy just putting it out there and finding out that other people feel the same way. This is supposed to be fun. I want it to be fun again. :)

And thank you for the offer. I'll let you know about the beta.

[kamadu.livejournal.com]

oh, rachel *hugs*

You know how much I love and adore what you write, especially HB and its related fics. I hope this helps and gets you back to the happy writing place, where you can write for you and fuck everyone else and what they want.

mmm...evil broody looking Kevin icon. He'll always be the evil SG guy to me :)

[visionshadows.livejournal.com]

[hugs] Thank you. I do feel better already. :)

Hee! Evil!Kevin. Oh yes.

[cranberryink.livejournal.com]

Man, I so feel you on this one. I made a post about this once and a lot of people came out in agreement with me, and several immediately defriended me. It shows how personal and sensitive an issue writing is. Which is why I'm glad to hear that you want to write what makes you happy.

[[[hugs]]]

[visionshadows.livejournal.com]

[hugs]

Thanks. When it comes down to it, I want it to be fun again. Writing what I want to write is fun, so that's what I'm going to do from now on. :)

And I do remember your post about that as well as McKay's post to fandom newbies. I'm sad to hear people defriended you over it, but I'm not surprised.

[lisan.livejournal.com]

I agree. There are a lot of stylistically complicated stories out there that, while impressive, doesn't really linger. In the end, when talking about a story, isn't the question always "what was it about?" Style is all very well and good but in the end what I think what the reader is really left with are images and feelings and, if we're lucky, some good quotes. Which doesn't happen if the language becomes too contrived. Me, I like quiet stories the best, actually. (Have emailed you about Walt Whitman's Grave before. :) ) Again, it's all about what stays with you once story is done.

For me, the angst is more about "people are waiting and either I'm going to disappoint them by not delivering or having the next story be subpar." I love knowing the stories are being read, but the expectations can be overwhelming, and when I think of how some people still ask for sequels after years,/i> of waiting, the guilt can be paralysing. That's my version of "it's no longer" about me.

That said, can't wait to read your new story. :)

[visionshadows.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :)

I'm so happy to see that people feel the way I do about this. Sometimes you start to think you're the only one so it's nice to know I'm not.

And yes, you have emailed about WWG before. Thank you again for that. :)