Rant

[visionshadows]

I opened up the client to say something and now that it's open, I don't remember what I wanted to say. I suppose it wasn't that important then. I have a burning desire to just hole up in my room listening to bad 80s pop music and write Masks all day. I feel so unproductive in my new fandom. Two stories? That's it? And one of them is pure fluff and a big, old throw-away piece. Masks makes me happy, and if I can get all the little nuances into the story that I want to get in, it's going to kick ass. At least to me. I couldn't give a fuck if other people like it or not. This is my version of SG-1 as a team. Yeah, maybe Sam isn't as flexible as she should be and Teal'c is more sarcastic, but I like it. It makes me happy. Not many of the things I've been writing in popslash have made me happy lately. This, a stupid little story about a world where people judge each other by the masks they wear, makes me happy. I like being able to stretch my imagination and write about a whole other world. This is why Water fascinated me for so long until I realized that it would be completely ignored in the fandom. I realized that shortly after Once More With Feeling was posted and ignored.



Three and a half years! That's longer than I've stayed in a college. Popslash has seen me through three schools, three living situations, four jobs, two breakdowns, three cars, and a complete breakdown of my family. And right now I just want to distance myself as much as possible from it and the fandom in general. I wasn't planning on going out and searching for a new fandom over the hiatus. I figured if I'd stuck around as long as I had so far, I could see them through a hiatus. It's not like I actually watched appearances or gave a flying fuck about them when I started in this fandom. It was something new and different and it was an accident that I've stayed with for three and a half years. Now it's gotten to the point where a story doesn't even need to be decent to be raved about. Good authors are overlooked every single day because they don't write sex, or they don't have happy endings, or their stories aren't as character friendly. Well guess what? We write about people's lives and since they're based on real people, they're not always going to be happy. I can't write happy easily. I do sad, dark, angsty, depressing fairly well. If I can make you feel sadness or anger, I've done my job. Happy is an easy way out. Real endings are better. I'm not going to name names, but some people have made the fandom a downright depressing place to be, especially if you don't see eye to eye with them about certain areas. I don't think Justin is perfect. I don't think that JC is a pretty kitten. I don't think that Joey is a family man. I don't think that Chris is happy even half of the time. And I don't think that Lance is comfortable in his own skin. Well guess what, because of all of that, people don't like me. And you know what, that's okay. I write to make myself feel better so because of that, Chris is going to be depressed and hurt. JC is going to be mentally unstable and unsure of his place in the world. Joey is going to be searching for what he's supposed to be instead of what he wants to be. Justin is going to be a spoiled brat who desperately searches for approval. And Lance is going to be awkward and confused about what he's supposed to do with his life.

But really, what's killed the fandom for me is the people. I am literally frightened by certain people in this fandom and reading their journals or their stories makes me uncomfortable. I've gotten to the point where I can't even sit through their posts for the goods such as pictures or news. I guess maybe I'm not as tolerant or strong as other people. Or maybe it's that I've learned I need to protect myself and listening to people whine is not the way to do it. My life sucks right now and that's that. I don't need to expose myself to people crying about whether JC, who NONE of us know personally, is depressed and on drugs because he's done a few appearances looking scruffy and tired. It's just not that important.

I think I'm done for now. I'm pretty sure I've pissed off a lot of people and made a few enemies when people decipher who I'm really talking about. I'm not really subtle sometimes.

[washes hands]

[walks away for now]

[sees friendslist disappear]

Comments

[batgrrl1975.livejournal.com]

um, i'd just like to say that i love your writing. i don't know that i've ever sent you feedback because, well, i don't have a reason. anyway, i've been around the *NSYNC slash fandom for 2 1/2 years, and i remember reading your stuff in the very beginning of my time here. you wrote the only story that ever made me like kevin. you wrote a few of my absolute favorite jc/chris stories. you wrote jc/david bowie, and i actually loved it. i cried and cried at that story.

i'm dense about the going-ons between people in the fandom so i have absolutely no idea who or what you're talking about here. i mean, those characterizations of the guys seem valid to me. of course, i think the characterizations that you thought were poor also are valid. i do admit that i'm a sucker for a happy ending, but that doesn't mean that i automatically dislike stories that don't have happy endings. i don't know. i probably don't know enough about what's going with everyone to understand what you are trying to say here.

either way, i just want to tell you how much i appreciate your writing. i'm really sorry to see you stop writing, but i understand needing to move on. thank you for giving so many incredible stories.

[visionshadows.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It really does mean a lot to hear that people do like stuff I've written in the past. I am, like any writer, a victim of having a fragile ego. I like feedback, but understand that the majority of people are just like me. We read something and we love it (or hate it) and never feedback.

Oh, and if you've been privy to any tightly locked posts by mutual friends of ours, you know the main person I'm talking about. ;)

[strippedhalo.livejournal.com]

*smooch*

[visionshadows.livejournal.com]

[cuddles]

[evilprettykitty.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I feel bad, because I really like Once More With Feeling because it took a show I liked and didn't just stick in the SDBs but you made it your own universe. I rememebr the part of about seeing him Akron made me squeal allowed. But I suck at feedback...I'm lazy and well often afraid that what I'm saying idn't profound enough. I know that's lame but it's true.

And I often feel the same way about the SBD fandom... I think it's why friends list has more other fandom people and less SDB only people everyday. I'm frightened by the way people let the stuff effect them to such a level. It's damn creepy.

[visionshadows.livejournal.com]

I just don't want the craziness anymore. It's not like any other fandom I go to isn't going to have craziness (Stargate is ripe with it), but I think SDB fans are a specific breed of craziness. Some of the people here make waaay too much out of five guys trying to live their lives and do a little singing and dancing at the same time.

[dine.livejournal.com]

I hope you don't get lots of negative reaction to this, you're entitled to your opinions on views and trends - and I share some of them. Darker stories, more angsty characterizations can be "right" for me sometimes, although I like the fluffy as well, but it all depends on my mood.

I also acknowlege that I'm not very good at remembering to feedback; I tend to let stories pile up, and then blitz through them in a weekend. I then have so many to comment on, and somehow it overwhelms. I can't speak for everyone else, but failure to comment doesn't always mean a story wasn't positively received.

I'm sorry popslash isn't a fun place for you to be, and I completely understand why you're looking elsewhere for the satisfaction in writing and creating. I just hope you end up posting links to your new fic, so I can check them out.

[visionshadows.livejournal.com]

I promise I'll post new links. I'm not changing journals or any of that along with the fandom change. I like this journal. I'm happy here. I also know that I've got a number of people on my friendslist who want to read in Stargate, so it's nice to be able to post stuff here and have people still want to see it.

[hugs] Happy slightly belated birthday as well. Hehe. Less than 24 hours is good for me when it comes to remembering these things.

[apetslife.livejournal.com]

What it really comes down to is doing what makes you happy. If writing popslash isn't doing it for you, then it's probably a good idea to step away from it for a while. I hope that doing so works for you, and that things turn around.

I've just got issue with one thing you said: that happiness is the easy way out, and that 'real' endings are better. I myself like happy endings, sad endings, and everything in between, but I don't think that 'sad' necessarily means 'real.' Do I think that the boys are shiny happy perfect people? Oh, no. Definitely not; your description of how you see them pretty much echoes my own. But do I think that their issues and complications and struggles mean they necessarily have to be miserable to be 'real?' Again, no. Happy endings happen in real life. People find love. Things do, occasionally, work out. And it's not necessarily easier; being happy is a constant fight and struggle. But an honest story, with good characterization and strong development and a happy ending that works, feels much more 'real' to me than a story in which everything ends badly for no apparent reason at all.

Those are my two cents, for what they're worth. Again, I hope things work out for you, and that Stargate is fun and fulfilling and that you come back to see us sometimes. :-)

[visionshadows.livejournal.com]

I guess my real issue with happy endings has to do with the glut of stories that have happy endings tacked on to them for no real reason. The same goes for stories with sad endings that have no real purpose. Real endings, endings that make sense in the context of the story, make me happy. When I said happy is the easy way out, I mean more for myself. Happy is easier to read and the general feeling I have is that happy is easier for other people to read, but it's the easy way out for me. I want real and sometimes real is painful. Yes, sometimes real does end happy as well. I just want it to make sense within the story.

[apetslife.livejournal.com]

Yes, sometimes real does end happy as well. I just want it to make sense within the story.

Amen to that. You won't hear any argument from me, that's exactly my feeling as well. And I think that there are many writers in this fandom who write both, and sell me on their stories no matter how they end. Happy *is* sometimes easier to read, especially for people who are reading for escapist enjoyment, or for a good laugh. I'll agree with you there, too. On the other hand, the cathartic experience of good angst can be wonderful, as well.

As for the other stuff...I think of fandom kind of like a sports team, or any other community brought together by a common interest. There are people you like and identify with, and people that drive you straight up a wall, and a lot of people who fall somewhere in between. If you like what you're doing, the only thing you can do is avoid the people who make you nuts, and stick with the ones you like, as much as possible. It's a trade-off, really, between the enjoyment you get from the activity and the parts of the community you like, and the annoyance of everything else. If it's not balanced (or balanced enough to make you happy), then it's definitely not a good situation.

Wow, look at me babble. Long slow Saturday afternoons are clearly dangerous for me. *grin*

[visionshadows.livejournal.com]

Wow, look at me babble. Long slow Saturday afternoons are clearly dangerous for me. *grin*

That's how this whole entry came into being. You know, I probably have homework I should be doing, but that's just too sensible.

[mitajoey.livejournal.com]

I know that I've been guilty of not saying anything is a LONG time, but I love your writing. You've always been one of my favorite authors and I used to be able to tell you that all the time. Lately, I haven't and for that I apologize. I've felt really sad reading your posts about leaving popslash, because when I think of it, I think of you. The first person who EVER got me to even consider reading anything about the Backstreet Boys. And loving it.

Things have changed around here lately, and I'll admit that its changed me in some ways. I agree with a lot of things you've said up there. Though I'm not a writer so I see it in other ways. I hate the way things are now, and that's probably what's made me the way I am. I would hate it if you left, but I also recognize that I may be part of the reason.

[visionshadows.livejournal.com]

I also recognize that I may be part of the reason.

Oh honey, no! You're still one of my favourite people in the fandom and have been for a long, long time. I can honestly assure you that you are NOT one of the people I was (not so) subtly referring to. I promise.

[rachaelhatesbee.livejournal.com]

I love (love) what you said about the guys, Lance in particular. He never seems to get into his comfort zone, always like he's on the defensive.

Honestly, I find it sort of comforting that he's got all that money and all that fame and he still can't figure out who he is... like if he can't figure out his purpose, why should I bet stressed figuring out my own?

[visionshadows.livejournal.com]

I kind of like that as well. Lance is a big, huge star with tons of money, fame, and friends. He's got no clue what to do with his life which is pretty obvious the way he flits around to different projects. It's okay that I have no clue what I want to do with my life either. I can flit around to different things all I want. I'm not alone there.

[saffronra.livejournal.com]

okay, I've been lurking on your journal since I pretty much got a livejournal, and your JC/David Bowie fic was the first I read in the popslash fandom and is still one of my absolute favourites. I love a hell of a lot of your fics precisely because they are realistic and don't have conclusive endings and aren't about the perfect parodies of the people we'd like to imagine NSync being.
But if you're burnt on this fandom, you should move on, I just hope the SG-1 fans appreciate you at least twice as much as you were appreciated here! And I'm impressed that you lasted three and a half years. I have a *very* short fandom attention span, generally, I last 6 months in a fandom, sometimes left (LOTR RPS was two months) and sometimes longer (Galaxy Rangers is 4 years and still going) but in every fandom I've been in, there have been the 'Big Name Fans' who everyone has read and worships, and there are a lot of really good newcomers who get shifted to the sidelines and get ignored because they don't have the right 'introductions' or have managed to get into the 'inner circle'
Anyway, I'm rambling and I'm not entirely sure what my point is except that you are an exceedingly talented writer and I certainly won't be de-friending you for expressing your opinions.
And yeah, I *massively* suck at giving feedback as I always feel that I'm putting myself at an inferior level to the person I'm feedbacking and that irritates me: but still, I adored your Joey as a woman story. And your Walt Whitman's Grave AU, and your JC/Bowie story and yeah :) I think I'm going to go and reread Walt Whitman

[visionshadows.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm happy to know that there are people out there who are happy about seeing opinions expressed. I'm not going to pull the whole 'it's my journal, I'll say what I want' stuff, but I like being able to say my opinions and not have (too) many people jump all over me. I'm glad that you're sticking around. :)

[fmangel.livejournal.com]

I may possibly babble alot. I apologize in advance.

but some people have made the fandom a downright depressing place to be, especially if you don't see eye to eye with them about certain areas. I don't think Justin is perfect. I don't think that JC is a pretty kitten. I don't think that Joey is a family man. I don't think that Chris is happy even half of the time. And I don't think that Lance is comfortable in his own skin. Well guess what, because of all of that, people don't like me. And you know what, that's okay. I write to make myself feel better so because of that, Chris is going to be depressed and hurt. JC is going to be mentally unstable and unsure of his place in the world. Joey is going to be searching for what he's supposed to be instead of what he wants to be. Justin is going to be a spoiled brat who desperately searches for approval. And Lance is going to be awkward and confused about what he's supposed to do with his life.

I just wanted to say thank you, for writing that. That, is alot of what frustrates me with this fandom. Why, I have pulled back from any real, active, involvement in it. I was never really a writer, but i have been a reader, and I did discuss my thoughts on these guys, and offer them to people.

I have opinions on each of the five nsync guys, that I don't share with many people. Why? Because it just invites alot of headaches. people don't want to think of these guys, any different than they see them. And you know, that's fine. whatever. I just. These are five guys trying to live their lives, they aren't going to be sure of every little thing that they do, they aren't going to make great decisions all the time, and they aren't going to be happy all the time.

And you know, they are allowed to not be perfect. They are human. And to be honest, that's what I like about them. these are five guys, that are people, just like you and me. They may be wealthy and famous, but they still have issues just like everyone else. And I guess, I can see wanting to see them as something they are not, because in a sense i htink it makes people happy. but not me, I like knowing they are real. Solid. I like knowing that Lance is probably just as unsure as I am, about where he really wants to be in his life. What, will make him truly happy. What is the perfect thing for him. he gets to experience things on a much grander scale, than I do. But he still appears to have not found his 'niche', yet.

I should say.....it doesn't make me happy, that Lance is like that. Do I wish he could find his niche? of course. I wish I could find mine as well. It's just. How I think he is. I also think alot of other things about him, besides just that. Do I worry about the guys in nsync? Sure. Some more than others, even. Do I get upset at the idea of them not being perfect? no. Does it make me sad to think tht JC could have a drug problem? Eh. It makes me wish he didn't. But you know, that his life. Whatever. People that love him and care about him, should worry about fixing him. I just want peope to be generally happy intheir lives. I know it's not possible, for everyone. but, still. That's all I ever really wish for. But I don't convince myself that everyone is, and always can be happy, either.

It's just. With the nsync guys, they aren't 'characters' to me. So, I can't regard them as such. They can be characters in fic, but not in real life. We don't have any say over who they really are, or what they do. And so fretting about it, isn't really going to make a difference.

so yes. babbling forever in your journal. And so, while I can't fully understand the whole writing side of what you said, I understand the rest of it. And I get the whole clique-y aspect of this fandom as well. And it's very frustrating.

And so, I get what you are saying. And thank you, for saying it.

[visionshadows.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. And thank you for commenting on it and making it known that I'm not the only person out there who feels their opinions have to be quieted because of fandom pressures. It's not fair to any of us and I hope that people will start expressing their opinions more.

And at some point you mentioned something about them having real friends, people in their own lives who can worry about them. It's not our job. etc, etc. I just have to say...AMEN. They have real people who worry about them, people who can actually do something about it. We have our own lives and situations to worry about. It takes too much time and energy to worry obsessively about five people we don't know.

[selectivamnesia.livejournal.com]

Hell. Fucking. Yeah.

Thank you, Rachel. And good luck, wherever your muses take you.

[visionshadows.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

[joeynerd.livejournal.com]

I write to make myself feel better

And that makes for the best and most honest writing---in stories or in LJ. The best characterizations are the real ones. No one's perfect and sometimes it's nice to get reminded of that, especially if the pedestal is hitting the ceiling and bending backwards to fit everyone's over the top perceptions. (wow. how's that for a metaphor? hee)

I've held my tongue over certain LJ/fandom things because mine wasn't the most popular opinion but then I've also said my bit just to get it out of my head. That's what LJ is for and I'm glad you've used it to say what you did here. :)

[visionshadows.livejournal.com]

Thanks for understanding. I'm finding out a lot more people are understanding this then I thought. It's a good thing. People need to be more honest in their lj.

[parlance.livejournal.com]

Not angry at all. But I'm kind of surprised to hear you say this because I generally find angsty fic to be far more popular than the fic I write, which is mostly humor and then AU which is drama that falls somewhere between humor and angst. I also perceive you to be one of more celebrated authors in the fandom whereas most of my stories get ignored. Not that that stops me from writing, but like I said, I'm just surprised.

I'm definitely with you on it being a frightening fandom though. I love writing nsyncslash and I love being a part of the boyskanks and I love toftc but for the most part, I'm not in love with the fandom.