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visionshadows
I opened up the client to say something and now that it's open, I don't remember what I wanted to say. I suppose it wasn't that important then. I have a burning desire to just hole up in my room listening to bad 80s pop music and write Masks all day. I feel so unproductive in my new fandom. Two stories? That's it? And one of them is pure fluff and a big, old throw-away piece. Masks makes me happy, and if I can get all the little nuances into the story that I want to get in, it's going to kick ass. At least to me. I couldn't give a fuck if other people like it or not. This is my version of SG-1 as a team. Yeah, maybe Sam isn't as flexible as she should be and Teal'c is more sarcastic, but I like it. It makes me happy. Not many of the things I've been writing in popslash have made me happy lately. This, a stupid little story about a world where people judge each other by the masks they wear, makes me happy. I like being able to stretch my imagination and write about a whole other world. This is why Water fascinated me for so long until I realized that it would be completely ignored in the fandom. I realized that shortly after Once More With Feeling was posted and ignored.
Three and a half years! That's longer than I've stayed in a college. Popslash has seen me through three schools, three living situations, four jobs, two breakdowns, three cars, and a complete breakdown of my family. And right now I just want to distance myself as much as possible from it and the fandom in general. I wasn't planning on going out and searching for a new fandom over the hiatus. I figured if I'd stuck around as long as I had so far, I could see them through a hiatus. It's not like I actually watched appearances or gave a flying fuck about them when I started in this fandom. It was something new and different and it was an accident that I've stayed with for three and a half years. Now it's gotten to the point where a story doesn't even need to be decent to be raved about. Good authors are overlooked every single day because they don't write sex, or they don't have happy endings, or their stories aren't as character friendly. Well guess what? We write about people's lives and since they're based on real people, they're not always going to be happy. I can't write happy easily. I do sad, dark, angsty, depressing fairly well. If I can make you feel sadness or anger, I've done my job. Happy is an easy way out. Real endings are better. I'm not going to name names, but some people have made the fandom a downright depressing place to be, especially if you don't see eye to eye with them about certain areas. I don't think Justin is perfect. I don't think that JC is a pretty kitten. I don't think that Joey is a family man. I don't think that Chris is happy even half of the time. And I don't think that Lance is comfortable in his own skin. Well guess what, because of all of that, people don't like me. And you know what, that's okay. I write to make myself feel better so because of that, Chris is going to be depressed and hurt. JC is going to be mentally unstable and unsure of his place in the world. Joey is going to be searching for what he's supposed to be instead of what he wants to be. Justin is going to be a spoiled brat who desperately searches for approval. And Lance is going to be awkward and confused about what he's supposed to do with his life.
But really, what's killed the fandom for me is the people. I am literally frightened by certain people in this fandom and reading their journals or their stories makes me uncomfortable. I've gotten to the point where I can't even sit through their posts for the goods such as pictures or news. I guess maybe I'm not as tolerant or strong as other people. Or maybe it's that I've learned I need to protect myself and listening to people whine is not the way to do it. My life sucks right now and that's that. I don't need to expose myself to people crying about whether JC, who NONE of us know personally, is depressed and on drugs because he's done a few appearances looking scruffy and tired. It's just not that important.
I think I'm done for now. I'm pretty sure I've pissed off a lot of people and made a few enemies when people decipher who I'm really talking about. I'm not really subtle sometimes.
[washes hands]
[walks away for now]
[sees friendslist disappear]
Three and a half years! That's longer than I've stayed in a college. Popslash has seen me through three schools, three living situations, four jobs, two breakdowns, three cars, and a complete breakdown of my family. And right now I just want to distance myself as much as possible from it and the fandom in general. I wasn't planning on going out and searching for a new fandom over the hiatus. I figured if I'd stuck around as long as I had so far, I could see them through a hiatus. It's not like I actually watched appearances or gave a flying fuck about them when I started in this fandom. It was something new and different and it was an accident that I've stayed with for three and a half years. Now it's gotten to the point where a story doesn't even need to be decent to be raved about. Good authors are overlooked every single day because they don't write sex, or they don't have happy endings, or their stories aren't as character friendly. Well guess what? We write about people's lives and since they're based on real people, they're not always going to be happy. I can't write happy easily. I do sad, dark, angsty, depressing fairly well. If I can make you feel sadness or anger, I've done my job. Happy is an easy way out. Real endings are better. I'm not going to name names, but some people have made the fandom a downright depressing place to be, especially if you don't see eye to eye with them about certain areas. I don't think Justin is perfect. I don't think that JC is a pretty kitten. I don't think that Joey is a family man. I don't think that Chris is happy even half of the time. And I don't think that Lance is comfortable in his own skin. Well guess what, because of all of that, people don't like me. And you know what, that's okay. I write to make myself feel better so because of that, Chris is going to be depressed and hurt. JC is going to be mentally unstable and unsure of his place in the world. Joey is going to be searching for what he's supposed to be instead of what he wants to be. Justin is going to be a spoiled brat who desperately searches for approval. And Lance is going to be awkward and confused about what he's supposed to do with his life.
But really, what's killed the fandom for me is the people. I am literally frightened by certain people in this fandom and reading their journals or their stories makes me uncomfortable. I've gotten to the point where I can't even sit through their posts for the goods such as pictures or news. I guess maybe I'm not as tolerant or strong as other people. Or maybe it's that I've learned I need to protect myself and listening to people whine is not the way to do it. My life sucks right now and that's that. I don't need to expose myself to people crying about whether JC, who NONE of us know personally, is depressed and on drugs because he's done a few appearances looking scruffy and tired. It's just not that important.
I think I'm done for now. I'm pretty sure I've pissed off a lot of people and made a few enemies when people decipher who I'm really talking about. I'm not really subtle sometimes.
[washes hands]
[walks away for now]
[sees friendslist disappear]
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(no subject)
Date: 2002-10-12 03:07 pm (UTC)but some people have made the fandom a downright depressing place to be, especially if you don't see eye to eye with them about certain areas. I don't think Justin is perfect. I don't think that JC is a pretty kitten. I don't think that Joey is a family man. I don't think that Chris is happy even half of the time. And I don't think that Lance is comfortable in his own skin. Well guess what, because of all of that, people don't like me. And you know what, that's okay. I write to make myself feel better so because of that, Chris is going to be depressed and hurt. JC is going to be mentally unstable and unsure of his place in the world. Joey is going to be searching for what he's supposed to be instead of what he wants to be. Justin is going to be a spoiled brat who desperately searches for approval. And Lance is going to be awkward and confused about what he's supposed to do with his life.
I just wanted to say thank you, for writing that. That, is alot of what frustrates me with this fandom. Why, I have pulled back from any real, active, involvement in it. I was never really a writer, but i have been a reader, and I did discuss my thoughts on these guys, and offer them to people.
I have opinions on each of the five nsync guys, that I don't share with many people. Why? Because it just invites alot of headaches. people don't want to think of these guys, any different than they see them. And you know, that's fine. whatever. I just. These are five guys trying to live their lives, they aren't going to be sure of every little thing that they do, they aren't going to make great decisions all the time, and they aren't going to be happy all the time.
And you know, they are allowed to not be perfect. They are human. And to be honest, that's what I like about them. these are five guys, that are people, just like you and me. They may be wealthy and famous, but they still have issues just like everyone else. And I guess, I can see wanting to see them as something they are not, because in a sense i htink it makes people happy. but not me, I like knowing they are real. Solid. I like knowing that Lance is probably just as unsure as I am, about where he really wants to be in his life. What, will make him truly happy. What is the perfect thing for him. he gets to experience things on a much grander scale, than I do. But he still appears to have not found his 'niche', yet.
I should say.....it doesn't make me happy, that Lance is like that. Do I wish he could find his niche? of course. I wish I could find mine as well. It's just. How I think he is. I also think alot of other things about him, besides just that. Do I worry about the guys in nsync? Sure. Some more than others, even. Do I get upset at the idea of them not being perfect? no. Does it make me sad to think tht JC could have a drug problem? Eh. It makes me wish he didn't. But you know, that his life. Whatever. People that love him and care about him, should worry about fixing him. I just want peope to be generally happy intheir lives. I know it's not possible, for everyone. but, still. That's all I ever really wish for. But I don't convince myself that everyone is, and always can be happy, either.
It's just. With the nsync guys, they aren't 'characters' to me. So, I can't regard them as such. They can be characters in fic, but not in real life. We don't have any say over who they really are, or what they do. And so fretting about it, isn't really going to make a difference.
so yes. babbling forever in your journal. And so, while I can't fully understand the whole writing side of what you said, I understand the rest of it. And I get the whole clique-y aspect of this fandom as well. And it's very frustrating.
And so, I get what you are saying. And thank you, for saying it.
(no subject)
Date: 2002-10-12 03:30 pm (UTC)And at some point you mentioned something about them having real friends, people in their own lives who can worry about them. It's not our job. etc, etc. I just have to say...AMEN. They have real people who worry about them, people who can actually do something about it. We have our own lives and situations to worry about. It takes too much time and energy to worry obsessively about five people we don't know.